I am 26 weeks pregnant- post Christmas in the midst of covid and feeling very limited with options to light me up. Surfing is no longer safe and spin no longer feels good on my heavy belly so walking, dance and yoga are my options of movement for releasing energy. I woke up feeling completely unmotivated and useless- unable to even fold laundry or put dishes away. No desire to cook and no inspiration to write or even journal. Feeling quite alone in pregnancy with Jimmy not being able to come to the appointments and not having the usual outlets of connection with other pregnant mamas. The holidays were tough, feeling sluggish while most around me are drinking and letting loose, which I could totally use right now. I am feeling scattered and unclear on my priorities and intentions.
So much of me wanted to resist my feelings of sluggishness, insecurity, zero motivation and uselessness. Here though lied a sign of progress for me because deep down I knew I needed to ride this out because our feelings are for feeling and they serve a powerful purpose. Another step of progress was that I reached out to my doula to ask for guidance and was open to receiving, which does not come naturally from a habitual “giver.” My very wise doula shared these words which was exactly what I needed to hear.
“ I am Glad the spin is not working out ;) lol. Walking and yoga are best. Sluggish right now is normal as you’re transitioning into your third trimester soon and you’re making a baby who needs more and more at this stage. Try and embrace the winter with how you're feeling and change your mindset from being sluggish and unmotivated to realizing how in tune you are that right now your body needs to move slower and that just laying there, or sitting in your car watching the waves and doing nothing is OK! It’s great actually! You’re creating mental space and heart space as everything is expanding so you can grow in all those directions and dimensions with baby.”
With love, Willow Buckley
Although I was not very loving and compassionate towards myself at first, I am proud I was able to honor my feelings and feel them rather than stuff them in, escape or resist them. As the wise Carl Jung has said “What we resist, persists” and I have found that true in every aspect of my life thus far. When i allowed myself to process some of the shitty parts of pregnancy and motherhood and release so many tears, it cleared energy and space for me to see the light, appreciate my powerful body for creating the miracle of life and feel excited for all that lies ahead- the newborn snuggles, the blissful love, sharing the new joys of baby boy with Lyla. The continuous cycle of contraction (discomfort, intense emotions and time to go inward) always leads to expansion ( a more open hearted, appreciative and joyful) state of being. The cycles are continuous so I am learning to embrace the challenging feelings and states of contraction as opportunities to strengthen my love and compassion for myself- trusting this practice will allow for smoother transitions and more peace and love in my state of being. I am learning not to label either state as “good” or “bad” because both are what they are- and are needed to experience the beautiful wholeness of life- being human.
XO